This past Sunday marked 2 years since my daughter died. The time that has passed has seemed such a dream. Almost like there are two lives I live now. One life is for my son Xander. I love him so much and he needs to be taken care of. So I love him, laugh with him, play with him, then he's ready for bed, which is daddy time so I get goodnight loves. That life I get up every morning and go to work because its necessary for Xander and the family. I spend the day as "work me" the happy/funny/ proactive me.
Then the other life I live. The one where time is still, daunting, and cruel. The rest of this life is spent alone, even when my husband is at my side. This life is the life where I long for the 3 year old who should be running around. I long for the 2nd car seat that should be in the car. I long for the words she would have learned by now, the silly conversations and the curious questions. My arms long to hold her and hug her and hold her hand as we walk. That life stays the same. I don't function well in that life. After Xander goes to bed there is TV watching or cell phone playing. There's minecraft. All the things Sean and I do because nothing seems to matter in this life. We do laundry when we need clothes cleaned, but rarely are they nicely folded and put in drawers, clean clothes sit in baskets on the floor. We don't do the dishes as often as we should, and cleaning is done when visitors are coming. Projects are just ideas that rarely get acted upon. I feel like that happiness I had when life with Sammie existed left with her and there is just emptiness.
How cruel this life has become. I gained a lot of weight after she died. I was pregnant with Xander and gained too much and after having him I never had the energy to do anything. Even now when I try so hard to find motivation to lose weight....we pick up dinner on the way home because cooking takes effort, and my effort is spent in my other life for Xander.
I miss her with all my heart. I don't know what the future will hold for Sean and I, but i know it is not with her. Yes I am religious and my religion says I will be her mother again and will raise her, but first i have to make it through what is here now. The promise of the future has been a lifeline from complete breakdown of life and self, but it does not fill the emptiness. The emptiness that I will feel into my old age. Only then in my old age may God have mercy on me and let me finally cross over into the entirely new life where she may yet exist.
No comments:
Post a Comment