July 4th Parade

"I started writing this post in July but never finished it. I thought I should finish it."

July 4th and 24th (in Utah July 24th is  a state holiday called Pioneer day. We celebrate alot like we do on the 4th, fireworks and parade) have always been a favorite time for me. The togetherness, the parades, the picnics and barbecues, and the fireworks. It is one month of the year that gets 2 holidays celebrating how wonderful it is to be part of the USA and the LDS church.

I love parades. Absolutely love them. For the 24th, the city has their days of 47 parade in down town Salt Lake city. In high school I went 2 years in a row with friends. Leaving the house at 5 am to get a spot on the shaded side of the street. I remember us trying to sleep on the blanket on the street, getting Mcdonalds as soon as it opened, and making a chess board out of paper and playing that to pass the time. Later, as a college student, I worked for a clowning company that contracted assistants when Ronald McDonald was in town .he always came for this parade and I actually got to ride around with him in his little red golf helping him load the t-shirt/confetti launcher, and other things he needed.

This year, we went to Rexburg ID for the holiday to spend the weekend with my brother and his family who live up there. my younger sister and her family and my parents came up too. As I sat and watched the parade and watched the kids picking up all the candy being thrown, I imagined dear sweet Samantha, dressed in red, white and blue, a bow in her barely there hair, and joy across her face. It became too much for me and I had to walk away. I walked down the street where I could gather myself. These are supposed to be happy moments of celebration but how can I celebrate when all I can feel is the missing hole in my family? I miss her so much. I just wish she was here. One more day......oh the things we would do together if there was one more day.

How to grieve

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I have been grieving Samantha. I wonder if I cry enough. Feel enough. Talk about her enough. This has been at the forefront of my mind as I have experienced the way someone else is grieving the loss of their child. I don't know this person personally, just through face-book. It has only been a couple of months since the loss of her child but she posts about it every day. Often multiple times a day. She posts everything. All her negative thoughts and feelings and anger. And, I don't know why I care, because everyone is different.

It's been over a year, so it's supposed to be better, easier. That's at least the feeling I get from everyone around me. Gone are the days of breaking down in the middle of a store. Gone are the days when I shouldn't struggle to get out of bed. Gone are the days when I can use mourning as an excuse to not see people or do anything. At least, this is what I think the world thinks. For me, I guess I was too good at faking it because I would MUCH rather lay in bed every day and cry. I would MUCH rather stay looked up in the house not going to family functions or visit friends, and I would LOVE to say all the negative thoughts rolling through my head.

But no. That's not me. I am not in the market of spewing my heartache on others. They don't need me to bring them down. Life is hard enough without having to live with heartache. I guess I have to continue to be"strong" and keep my misery to myself.